laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
