You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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