FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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