if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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