i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Randomize
