he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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