i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
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