just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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