I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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