i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
