So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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