Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
