She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
