My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
