You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
