omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
