seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
