I heard we made out
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
