I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Randomize
