He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
