i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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