My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
We got so high we made milksteak
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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