His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
