She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
i drank out of a bidet.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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