Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Randomize
