So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
