im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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