My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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