I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Randomize
