Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
