Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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