before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
