remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Randomize
