guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
