Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
she pinky promised me she was 18
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Randomize
