I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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