Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize