I think my fart just growled at me.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
