Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
