If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
