the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
