I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
