We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
