Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
you had me at cake vodka
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
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