Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
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He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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