True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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