the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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