i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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