I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
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