I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Randomize
