Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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