Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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