I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
