I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
it was like eating out sand paper
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
