your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I supernannyed him into submission
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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