Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
